As I Am

When I was a kid, I thought it was a blessing to have cousins close to my age and born just a few months ahead of each other. But, the relationship didn't turn out how my parents thought it would  be. Because of my autism, they have ignored me, ditched me, made fun of me, called me names and hurt me. But, that wasn't all. They followed a pattern set by their mothers. One of the aunts was more excluding than the others. She would gather the cousins for activities, but not me. When she was the Young Women's president, she never helped me with my Personal Progress despite the times I've attempted to ask her. Every time I asked her for help, she ignored me. Good thing I found help in other places. I not only finished the Personal Progress requirements for the Young Women medallion, I also did the ones for the Honor Bee.

My whole life, I was excluded. I was treated like I didn't belong in the family. I felt like I didn't exist, like I wasn't important. Every time I came home to the Colonies for Christmas or the summer, I'd always hoped that they would change and see that I am not the girl who wore silly hats, ridiculous outfits and acted weird. I thought they changed last Christmas, but this summer I was proven wrong.

One of the cousins has recently married and is happy with her new husband. I am happy for her that she has found happiness in her new life. Before the wedding, she had done something that was really hurtful. She asked all of the cousins who've lived around to join her wedding party either as bridesmaids or flower girls, except one. She never asked me to be a part of the wedding or asked me to be a bridesmaid. She never wanted me to be at her wedding. I found out days before the wedding that she'd asked my dad if I was coming to the wedding. When I found out about this, I was hurt. I was the last minute consideration and the last person to deal with. I was planning on coming home to her wedding to support her, but this was what my sisters had worried about. They had heard weeks in advance about the bridesmaids, maid of honor and flower girls, but were concerned because I wasn't included. I chose not to come to the Colonies for the wedding. Why go where I'm not really wanted?

I am sick and tired of being hurt over and over again. Maybe it's time to stop trying to get them to see me as I really am. I'm grateful for the ones who see past my differences and the ways I've changed, and the person I am today. I'm especially grateful for my family and a loving Heavenly Father who loved me then, loves me now and will love me always for who I am.